Menopause at 26

BURN BABY BURN 👿 & I'm not referring to that disco song everyone hears in their heads when they read that.... I'm talking actual fire, acid, poison, BURN. How would you describe the emotion anger?  If you know me, you know I'm WELL versed in all emotions. Some may even say I could write a dictionary with pages describing each emotion so explicitly that you'd feel every ounce of joy, every pang of sorrow, and every tremble of excitement. But one emotion I would struggle with describing would be... ANGER . But something weird happened to me this week. I felt it.  This acidic fire eating my insides. This molten filled, ground breaking, overflowing... ANGER . I couldn't even look at a baby picture of myself without hinging at my waist and balling up my fists. HOW DARE those doctors push my symptoms aside for months as stress. HOW DARE that pregnancy not bless me with a baby. HOW DARE my body not work right for the last 6 months I had left to try. H

I failed today. Like complete epic failure . I couldn't even stay the whole church service.  I was 78 seconds away from a complete meltdown and tantrum of "heavenly" proportions and the last thing I wanted was people to see it. && I only had about 76 seconds to get to my car before it opened up. Ya'll ever been on the brink of a meltdown and don't even remember how you got home? That was me today.  I stumbled in my house eyes stinging and chin quivering then went for something I haven't touched since I was 8 weeks pregnant last year and still filled with hope, love, and excitement.... The "Baby Bear" onesie and the little bear cub shoes we bought.   The one thing we got to celebrate our growing bundle of joy.  It would have been the first of many. But it ended up being the only . Today I felt like nothing but a complete let down .  I'm supposed to be strong , positive , and a role model through this trial and t

Words can't express how grateful, excited, and emotional we were getting these done by such a great friend. She poured her heart in soul in all our photos, and it showed! At one point she said "Ok let's get momma over here in front of the chair..." and for the first time ever I got excited hearing that word MOMMA . We are gonna be parents one day. Momma and Dadda . The best kind of journey takes you HOME.

It's just  NOT FAIR. What we have to go through to become adoptive parents is just  NOT FAIR . That's what I kept telling myself. There's classes, background checks, home studies, screenings, play dates to see if the kids like you, counseling, support groups, meetings with lots of decisions, and the funniest bit of it all...court. For us to become parents we have to go through all that and never be able to "fall in love" till it's finalized. You're truly in a constant state of uncertainty about the one thing in life you should be most certain. & this state of uncertainty is nothing short of a weak captivity that you're constantly battling your heart and brain to STAY INSIDE OF though it's humanly almost.... impossible . You don't want to get your hopes up, but you want to go buy cute clothes and furniture like everyone else gets to do. You don't want to put all your eggs in this one basket, but you know it could be all you'

That's where you are growing. You're in my heart with every pump that gives me life. You're in my dreams every time I doze off into a deep sleep. You're in my thoughts when I look at my empty hands and think how I'll get to hold yours. You're in my words when I talk to anyone about my future, hopes, and plans. You're the reason I was created.  Every fiber of me was made for you .  To be your Mom and for you to be mine .   I smile already thinking of how this world will touch you, and I feel so special knowing it is me that has been chosen to watch this happiness. I vow to celebrate the sunshine of your life everyday.  Whether that comes in sunny days, school grades, or celebrations. I am joyful because of you. I laugh already thinking of how silly you will be, and I feel so joyful knowing it is me that has been chosen to enjoy life with you.  I vow to laugh until we cry all the time.  Whether that comes in funny jokes, my goofiness, or your d

This Mother's Day I would have been a mother. I could have been a mom. When I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon thinking ... I'll FINALLY get it when moms talk about never loving anything the way they do their children, as I watch them get lost in their beautiful thoughts. I'll FINALLY understand what it's like to hear the word "Mom" and know the deepness and weight it holds when it pumps through your ears. I never made it to the moon , or even the stars . My rocket ship came back down to earth and did a crash landing and my over the moon thinking was now a pile of wreckish that weighed my heart down each day May got closer Mother's Day-All about Moms What about those of us who visited the word "Mom" but had to tearfully and white knuckling give it right back. We got to see the beauty of the word. We felt the pure love for something we had not even met yet. We got lost deep into our thoughts of our beautiful future that lie

I'm fine. That's what I tell my husband, family, friends, and any one who asks.  I'm fine. Isn't that what we all do?  It's not socially correct when asked "How are you?" to actually unleash the truth .  If someone asked me today "How are you?" and I was socially incorrect I would answer with something much different then "I'm fine." It would be more like this... I'm crushed.  I have days were I hate myself and blame myself for every wrinkle in anyone's day... as minuscule as an upset with friends or my husband not having a clean house.  I have a heart ache that makes it hurt to breathe at times.  My anxiety has been so bad that I forgot what a true deep breath feels like.  I'm slipping back to a bad place that I was at four months ago.  A dark world when everything changed in life as I knew it.  I see people happy, living life, making memories, and laughing throughout the day.  That happiness has slipped away

She's Broken... As she watches her friends and family announce their pregnancies. As she goes to another doctor's appointment getting the what ifs. As she learns this is it, no kids to bare or have naturally. As she walks through work with her head in a cloud of despair. As she goes in for her procedure that has a roughly 60% success rate and wondering if that'll be her. As she googles and researches with tears in her eyes things she should never have to. As she longs for a family she won't ever get. As she hears the words "Mommy" from the kids around her. As she cries herself to sleep knowing the heartache may always be there. As she watches her child and wonders can we have another? As she pokes herself with the needles and takes the pills that control her body. As she feels like a failure to her husband who thought this would be easy. As she waits for the weeks after IVF to see if it was all for nothing. As she k

Raise your hand if you have ever said..."GOD WHY ME, WHY THIS?" *all limbs of mine are in the air* Friday I had my BIG doctor's appointment.  They went over the 1223 blood tests they ran. (Just kidding there was only like 50) They brought in all the doctors.  They checked my...you know what.  I sat there on that crunchy paper like a spectacle in my gown open on the front for all these professionals to poke at, and they did. Then they read my now HUGE file folder that will follow me everywhere I go. (Hey teachers, I call it my RTI tier 3 packet) Then they went over EVERYTHING.  This took 2 hours, no joke. 1 in 1,000 women get premature ovarian failure between ages of 20-29.  That means I am ACTUALLY .1%.  I gotta go buy a lottery ticket or something because clearly the odds are EVER in my FAVOR. In that .1% of women pof is almost always caused by either autoimmune diseases, toxins, chromosomal defects, hereditary, ovarian surgeries, and chemo radiation.  I even asked

This one is for YOU... Thank you for reading all my blog posts and allowing me to share my beautiful disaster with you. Thank you for letting me talk about myself till I was blue in the face, and then more. Thank you for reaching out even though we haven't talked for years or even if we see each other everyday. Thank you for asking how I was in the mornings as I stumbled in with a fake smile. Thank you for listening to my corny puns that made no sense but made me feel better. Thank you for looking at me with eyes that filled with tears to show you felt a piece of my hurt. Thank you for answering the MANY facetime calls that started and ended with tears even though it was your dinner time. Thank you for always changing the subject back to me, when I just repeated the same thing over and over again. Thank you for hugging me when I could barely stand up on my own two feet. Thank you for sharing your day to day life with me to keep my mind off my own day to day life. Thank

What would you do if after 7 doctor visits, they brought in the big wigs and pulled up those backless rolling chairs and said "I'm so sorry to tell you but you will never be able to have kids of your own." Like actually take a minute to sit and marinate on that. It's over.  These common sayings would never be reality to me..."Wow baby girl has my eyes." or "She's got her momma's tan skin."  or even "She's a spit fire like me, it runs in the family." Then they tell you no IVF will work, your AMH was too low to do ovary stimulating drugs, and your egg reservoir is diminished.  NO MORE OF ME. There are more tear stains on my car steering wheel then there is fishing lures in my garage...and ya'll know that is A LOT What would you honestly do? I prayed...and God gave me this... "This life is not yours to live in vain." I prayed again...and cried some more. Then God gave me this... "This life is not yo

If you want to whoop Menopause's butt at any age... If you want to lose those 10 lbs that can't seem to fall off... If you want to only have to work out 4 times a week and see results... If you want to get out of your emotional funk... If you want to feel like people actually care about you being the best you... Do Orangetheory. I was terrified when I joined that first week in February for so many reasons. The money, the "gym-timidation", those weights, running, and most of all MY HEALTH. But I did it, and I'll never look back. It's a mixture of treadmill, weight floor, and row machine. So it's cardio and toning all in one.  DO not let this scare you.  80% of the people walk on the treadmill and the coaches AND TVs show you exactly what to do for the whole hour. I hit rock bottom before I started going to this gym, and though no one there knew what I was going through they lifted me up each and every day. The coaches there are truly passion

Today was the day...that I saw the Reproductive specialist who specializes in ALL things women's reproductive system. The typical salary for these doctors are anywhere from $270,000-$366,000. They have to go to college to pursue a pre-med degree, then get into medical school.  After medical school they must get into a residency that specializes in their field.(reproductive systems)  Once they have completed this residency over the course of several years then they must pass a national medical board examination. They aren't done quite yet.   Finally they must complete a two- to three-year fellowship in infertility treatment, followed by two years of clinical experience. Oral and written examinations must also be passed. This is all in addition to a four-year obstetrics and gynecology residency. "They SPECIAL" And I saw the BEST OF THE BEST. Just to hear...that I still had POF(Or I hear it is POI now) They tested for all autoimmune diseases-NEGATIVE They tes

Becoming a vegan was the worst thing ever... ...For my hormonal acne... It's GONE. This is no joke whatsoever. On March 6th I started eating a vegan diet. March 6th I had pimples all over my back and shoulder and my chin and jawline. When I say pimples, I may as well call it the Grand Canyon National Park. I was mortified when I started breaking out six months ago and tried anything to rid of it-YOU NAME IT. My skin is more clear now then it was when I was a kid. ...For my Dryness... Yes, that kind of dryness ladies. It comes along with menopause and is no fun. Funny how connected your body is to the things we eat. This one I noticed within days! The hormones they put in the dairy products and meats were truly making me so unbalanced in ways I never noticed day to day and thought was just my new "normal". ...For my extra pounds... UH DUH! I lost 5 lbs in the first two weeks and I ate more then I had in months. I was constantly eating snacks and chomping away all

My mom is a felon. This isn't something you know when you see me, or even when you get to know me. But its something that effects my day to day life. When it was my last day of fourth grade my mom dropped me off at school like any other normal day. My dad (THANK GOD FOR HIM) picked me up, which perplexed me because I don't remember it being his weekend to get me. It was his weekend for the rest of my life. My mom went away that day for years; 4 to be exact. My life altered in ways that one honestly can't imagine. She missed things that moms are supposed to be there for. Milestones that girls hit from 4th grade till 9th. If it wasn't for my dad's true heroic behavior I wouldn't be half the person I am today. HE was the one who got me my first pads, and books to go along with it to make up for his lack of womanly knowledge. HE was the one who met my first love, and walked my down the aisle for my last one. HE was the one who watched me fail at gymnastics, try

When Dad said to write a letter to the family explaining what the last year had dealt us I thought to myself....It's Spring Break and I'm trying to get my tan on...nobody really wants a sappy letter about my womanly parts. What occurred next was mere magic.  Parents know best ya'll. Dear Family and friends, We are writing to share with our loved ones what this past year has brought to our family.   In March of 2016 we decided we wanted to start a family. In June we found out we were expecting.    The pure joy and excitement that came into our lives was great! A couple of doctors’ visits later the unthinkable happened, we no longer had a viable pregnancy.    September 15th I went in for a D&C at 11 weeks to complete the miscarriage. Though it was a troubling time we were reassured by the doctors that this was common. In fact they did blood work, checkups, and the whole work up and said we were good to go to start trying again in November! So we did...and the

That's what I feel like. A freak of nature. Just found out the 74,017 girl I know is pregnant.  I mean I am talking people who aren't even trying, some who I didn't even know had a man. Life is beautiful no matter who is carrying it don't get me wrong but I can't help feel like a FREAK OF NATURE. My heart sank and tears welled in my eyes when I learned another friend was pregnant.  I PUSHED forth a happy "Awww OMGEE!" when my husband told me but I could see it even pained him to see me find out.  (He's known for a couple weeks and anticipated this) Number 74,017.  Meanwhile I am a FREAK.OF.NATURE. This could go two ways.... Route 1: Ask ten million questions that soon turn to disgust and anguish and ANGER.  Then go cry alone in the bathroom and carry on the rest of the day heavy hearted. Route 2: Embrace my "freak of nature" rareness.  Make myself feel special and rare like clearly I was. ROUTE 2 Aurora - a luminous phenomenon t