Let Down

I failed today. Like complete epic failure.
I couldn't even stay the whole church service.  I was 78 seconds away from a complete meltdown and tantrum of "heavenly" proportions and the last thing I wanted was people to see it. && I only had about 76 seconds to get to my car before it opened up.


Ya'll ever been on the brink of a meltdown and don't even remember how you got home? That was me today.  I stumbled in my house eyes stinging and chin quivering then went for something I haven't touched since I was 8 weeks pregnant last year and still filled with hope, love, and excitement....

The "Baby Bear" onesie and the little bear cub shoes we bought.  

The one thing we got to celebrate our growing bundle of joy. 

It would have been the first of many.

But it ended up being the only.

Today I felt like nothing but a complete let down. 

I'm supposed to be strong, positive, and a role model through this trial and testimony that God chose me for.  THAT is what I stood for: strength and perseverance.

Today I was the complete opposite as I sit there holding those precious things.  

I couldn't breathe through my snot filled nose.  I couldn't see through my tear flooded eyes.  I couldn't speak through my moans and heavy breathing.  Complete utter heartbreak.  I was a let down. 

I should have seen it coming.  

I was getting weary watching mommas loving on their kids.  

I was getting jealous seeing all the new mommies and mommies to be celebrating.

I was getting angry when people talked to me about mom life.

...but more than any of that I was growing dislike for myself for feeling all of that.

I am a woman, female, lady which are nouns referring to adult human beings who are biologically female; that is, capable of bearing offspring....

so you tell me I'm not a let down.  

Even though I don't remember the drive home from church today, I remember one thing.  It was raining, but sunny.  SUNNY. Another one of those sunshine days with rain.  As I sobbed clenching my lost joy, I found something else.  A message from God.  That sometimes it rains yet the sun is STILL SHINING.

God found Gideon in a hole.  He found Joseph in a prison.  Daniel? He found him in the lion's den.God has quite the habit of showing up in the midst of pain and trouble.  Where the world sees failures and let downs, God sees FUTURE. He finds us in the pits, not the pedestals.