i'm fine

I'm fine.

That's what I tell my husband, family, friends, and any one who asks. 

I'm fine.

Isn't that what we all do? 
It's not socially correct when asked "How are you?" to actually unleash the truth. 
If someone asked me today "How are you?" and I was socially incorrect I would answer with something much different then "I'm fine."
It would be more like this...

I'm crushed.  I have days were I hate myself and blame myself for every wrinkle in anyone's day... as minuscule as an upset with friends or my husband not having a clean house.  I have a heart ache that makes it hurt to breathe at times.  My anxiety has been so bad that I forgot what a true deep breath feels like.  I'm slipping back to a bad place that I was at four months ago.  A dark world when everything changed in life as I knew it.  I see people happy, living life, making memories, and laughing throughout the day.  That happiness has slipped away from me and I'm struggling to get it back.
But if you asked, I'd say "I'm fine."

As someone who lives in the land of YES, and positive thoughts, silver linings and rainbows this has been my hardest struggle.  Taking the wrong turn into the land of fear, anxiety, floods and decay. 
Life is hard in that way.  We all take wrong turns into the dark alley of "I'm fine."  And for some of us it's an easy fix because unfortunately you've been there enough and navigated the fastest less scary routes back to "I'm great! How about you?" 
But for the other ones of us, me, who are new to this world, I'm not fine, I'm scared.  I'm learning how keep my light aglow in this darkness.  I'm learning when to run and when to walk.  I'm learning how to crawl out of the alley with as little of me changing as possible. 
This dark alley is sadness that haunts at 3 am.  It's got bricks filled with all my insecurities and fear around me.  It's pouring with a rain of emotions I can't contain.  It's old wounds that feel fresh as ever and fresh wounds that show no signs of healing anymore.  It's the kind of wrong turn that will break your spirit.

How am I doing you ask?

"I'm broken."

I'll see my way out of this dark place soon, maybe more bruised and scarred then when I fell in.  Steve Maraboli an author and speaker once said this...
My scars tell a story. 
They are reminders of times that life tried to break me, but failed.
They are markings of where the structure of my character was welded.

Psalms 34:18 "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."