What would you do?

What would you do if after 7 doctor visits, they brought in the big wigs and pulled up those backless rolling chairs and said "I'm so sorry to tell you but you will never be able to have kids of your own."

Like actually take a minute to sit and marinate on that.
It's over.  These common sayings would never be reality to me..."Wow baby girl has my eyes." or "She's got her momma's tan skin."  or even "She's a spit fire like me, it runs in the family."

Then they tell you no IVF will work, your AMH was too low to do ovary stimulating drugs, and your egg reservoir is diminished.  NO MORE OF ME.
There are more tear stains on my car steering wheel then there is fishing lures in my garage...and ya'll know that is A LOT

What would you honestly do?

I prayed...and God gave me this... "This life is not yours to live in vain."
I prayed again...and cried some more. Then God gave me this... "This life is not yours to live in vain."
I prayed ONE MORE TIME.....It was God again... "This life is not yours to live in vain."

I asked you to be honest, so I'll return the favor. I didn't like it.  I didn't want it.  I didn't deserve it.  I prayed for a miracle, signs, and medicines that don't exist.  I IGNORED IT.
Even my closest friends don't know this.  I cried everyday till this week.
Yes, I cried all the way to work and then dried the tears on my steering wheel and smiled through the day.
Yes, I cried in my bathtub blaring my speaker so my husband wouldn't worry.  Then cuddled in bed with him and watched Netflix.
Yes, I cried in my bed every time I shut my eyes to go to sleep.  Then I would open them back up and give all the animals that were in bed with me kisses good night.
Yes, I cried quietly in church.  After I just greeted all those people with warm smiles, hugs, and handshakes. 

Isn't it funny how when you are doing good you see ALL the signs that God gives you .  BUT when you're losing bad, and boy was I ever, you miss them ALL.
Yesterday as I was driving myself down the road I started feeling the sadness overcome, my heart sank, then the tears started to fall, and my chin quivered. 
I heard..."They say sometimes you win some. Sometimes you lose some. And right now, right now I'm losing bad."

...THAT'S ME...*reaches for radio volume and turns it up slowly all the way*
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I feel bad for all the people who saw me driving down the road.  They probably called 911.  I cried my last time driving home from work.  Not just because there's no way in the world I have tears left after that drive, but because I choose to listen.

"This life is not yours to live in vain."

I hope you choose to listen. It'll save the leather on your steering wheel.

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