Burn baby burrrnn

BURN BABY BURN 👿
& I'm not referring to that disco song everyone hears in their heads when they read that....
I'm talking actual fire, acid, poison, BURN.

How would you describe the emotion anger?
 If you know me, you know I'm WELL versed in all emotions. Some may even say I could write a dictionary with pages describing each emotion so explicitly that you'd feel every ounce of joy, every pang of sorrow, and every tremble of excitement. But one emotion I would struggle with describing would be...ANGER.

But something weird happened to me this week.

I felt it. 

This acidic fire eating my insides. This molten filled, ground breaking, overflowing...ANGER.
I couldn't even look at a baby picture of myself without hinging at my waist and balling up my fists.

HOW DARE those doctors push my symptoms aside for months as stress.
HOW DARE that pregnancy not bless me with a baby.
HOW DARE my body not work right for the last 6 months I had left to try.
HOW DARE that lady tell me "Either your bloodwork was left out and this is all incorrect ooooorrr you just went through menopause...wait a couple weeks and retest."
HOW DARE people just walk around like the world is the same it always was, when for me it WASN'T!

Do those doctors even REALIZE what that all did to me??? I spent nights crying and hyperventilating. Losing feeling in my hands and feet was a typical Monday-Friday 7-9pm thing. Little ole me, thinking I was near death, and if I wasn't near death then I sure wasn't good enough anymore anyway.

Those people who wouldn't coddle me in the doctors office. Those people who didn't take my condition serious in the doctors office till it was too late. Those people who chose to think I was "being dramatic". Those people who think it'll be "a-ok" in the end. Those people who tell me...well hey at least you won't get periods! Those people who try to tell me the cons of children and pregnancy....

THOSE PEOPLE

WILL NEVER


look at baby pictures of themselves and feel what I felt....
ANGER
🔥🔥🔥

I carried this acidic torch around the whole week. Faking every smile and happy face I could. Pushing myself harder and harder at work, the gym, and home. Getting angry at myself with every noise and move I made.

Until Saturday night when I watched one of my favorite shows(Marvel Avengers...yes I'm a dork)...it had this new little 8 year old girl. Full of life. Her name was Hope. She was a little girl living in this horrible dark world filled with bad people. She was a small character on this episode but she had a big part. She was the only one who DIDN'T choose anger, even as her life changed... That episode ended with her dad holding a small black and white picture of the little girl and saying her name..."Hope"

Immediately I brought the picture back out of myself.
Suddenly when I looked at that little me.....anger and I became strangers again.
All my familiar emotions busted down the walls that anger made, and flooded that nasty toxin out in the form of HOT BURNING TEARS.

BURN BABY BURN 👿

Those people will never look at baby pictures of themselves and feel what I feel.....
And what I felt was anything but anger....
Just because I was given the opportunity to dance with anger, doesn't mean I'm going to let it take the lead. You need darkness to see the stars, and the darker it gets the brighter they shine.



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