[poignant]

poign·ant (poin′yənt)  adjective 

  •  Arousing deep emotion, especially pity or sorrow; touching
This word is what I didn't want to face.  This word is what I wanted to push away.  This word is what I smiled big to hide.

 This word is what suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks.  
Sobbing, sadness, despair, depression, and any other words in that sad context can't quite explain the feeling I got when I looked at my husband and realized what he signed up for unbeknownst to him 7 and a half years ago when he let me borrow that pencil in our math study group.
I floated in the bathtub not knowing what was soaking my skin: my tears or the water that filled it.  

Floating in my own poignancy.

The thoughts that ran through my head pierced my heart and took over my whole body. To date in my 26 years of life that was the longest bath I have ever taken.  Knowing that all the while my life had STOPPED right there and everyone elses' kept going.  My husband was probably on his phone looking up some knot to tie his new fishing lure.  My friends were probably with their kids or family cooking dinner or cleaning up messes.  My neighbors were probably gardening or working on cars.  But my life, had stopped.  
I wiggled my toes just to make sure I was still alive.  They moved.  Which confused me because I thought I just died from a broken heart.  Like someone once said you could die from a broken heart.  Isn't that what Allie and Noah died from on the Notebook?
OK.  I tried to wiggle my hands next.  Though prunes, they worked.  Next I moved my head, legs, arms.  I was alive.  My heart, though hurting, was still beating.  I dried off and walked to the kitchen to see my husband making dinner(he loves to cook) and telling me he couldn't wait for me to try his new recipe. All I could muster to say to him was "I only have a 5% chance of giving you a biological child.  What if we have to adopt, or if we have to spend all our money to have a kid." He stopped and looked at me, "We will have a child any of those ways and I am happy with that because all I need is you.  And if we don't get one, we will buy a big boat."
Life goes on.  My tears dried up faster then my drenched body.  I looked at my husband this time and realized something totally different.  Life is going to guide me if I just follow it.  When I took that pencil from him in study group my freshman year he WAS signed up for this ride, unbeknownst to the both of us.  Ephesians 2:10   "For we are HIS masterpiece, his handiwork.  Created by HIM."
AND oh did God know what he was doing when he created my husband and I for each other. 

Poignancy-The feeling I get when I think about life without that wonderful masterpiece God calls, my husband. (Though I must talk with God about this whole fishing obsession...)

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