Menopause at 26

Words can't express how grateful, excited, and emotional we were getting these done by such a great friend. She poured her heart in soul in all our photos, and it showed! At one point she said "Ok let's get momma over here in front of the chair..." and for the first time ever I got excited hearing that word MOMMA . We are gonna be parents one day. Momma and Dadda . The best kind of journey takes you HOME.

It's just  NOT FAIR. What we have to go through to become adoptive parents is just  NOT FAIR . That's what I kept telling myself. There's classes, background checks, home studies, screenings, play dates to see if the kids like you, counseling, support groups, meetings with lots of decisions, and the funniest bit of it all...court. For us to become parents we have to go through all that and never be able to "fall in love" till it's finalized. You're truly in a constant state of uncertainty about the one thing in life you should be most certain. & this state of uncertainty is nothing short of a weak captivity that you're constantly battling your heart and brain to STAY INSIDE OF though it's humanly almost.... impossible . You don't want to get your hopes up, but you want to go buy cute clothes and furniture like everyone else gets to do. You don't want to put all your eggs in this one basket, but you know it could be all you'...

That's where you are growing. You're in my heart with every pump that gives me life. You're in my dreams every time I doze off into a deep sleep. You're in my thoughts when I look at my empty hands and think how I'll get to hold yours. You're in my words when I talk to anyone about my future, hopes, and plans. You're the reason I was created.  Every fiber of me was made for you .  To be your Mom and for you to be mine .   I smile already thinking of how this world will touch you, and I feel so special knowing it is me that has been chosen to watch this happiness. I vow to celebrate the sunshine of your life everyday.  Whether that comes in sunny days, school grades, or celebrations. I am joyful because of you. I laugh already thinking of how silly you will be, and I feel so joyful knowing it is me that has been chosen to enjoy life with you.  I vow to laugh until we cry all the time.  Whether that comes in funny jokes, my goofiness, or ...

This Mother's Day I would have been a mother. I could have been a mom. When I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon thinking ... I'll FINALLY get it when moms talk about never loving anything the way they do their children, as I watch them get lost in their beautiful thoughts. I'll FINALLY understand what it's like to hear the word "Mom" and know the deepness and weight it holds when it pumps through your ears. I never made it to the moon , or even the stars . My rocket ship came back down to earth and did a crash landing and my over the moon thinking was now a pile of wreckish that weighed my heart down each day May got closer Mother's Day-All about Moms What about those of us who visited the word "Mom" but had to tearfully and white knuckling give it right back. We got to see the beauty of the word. We felt the pure love for something we had not even met yet. We got lost deep into our thoughts of our beautiful future that lie...

I'm fine. That's what I tell my husband, family, friends, and any one who asks.  I'm fine. Isn't that what we all do?  It's not socially correct when asked "How are you?" to actually unleash the truth .  If someone asked me today "How are you?" and I was socially incorrect I would answer with something much different then "I'm fine." It would be more like this... I'm crushed.  I have days were I hate myself and blame myself for every wrinkle in anyone's day... as minuscule as an upset with friends or my husband not having a clean house.  I have a heart ache that makes it hurt to breathe at times.  My anxiety has been so bad that I forgot what a true deep breath feels like.  I'm slipping back to a bad place that I was at four months ago.  A dark world when everything changed in life as I knew it.  I see people happy, living life, making memories, and laughing throughout the day.  That happiness has slipped away...

She's Broken... As she watches her friends and family announce their pregnancies. As she goes to another doctor's appointment getting the what ifs. As she learns this is it, no kids to bare or have naturally. As she walks through work with her head in a cloud of despair. As she goes in for her procedure that has a roughly 60% success rate and wondering if that'll be her. As she googles and researches with tears in her eyes things she should never have to. As she longs for a family she won't ever get. As she hears the words "Mommy" from the kids around her. As she cries herself to sleep knowing the heartache may always be there. As she watches her child and wonders can we have another? As she pokes herself with the needles and takes the pills that control her body. As she feels like a failure to her husband who thought this would be easy. As she waits for the weeks after IVF to see if it was all for nothing. As she k...

Raise your hand if you have ever said..."GOD WHY ME, WHY THIS?" *all limbs of mine are in the air* Friday I had my BIG doctor's appointment.  They went over the 1223 blood tests they ran. (Just kidding there was only like 50) They brought in all the doctors.  They checked my...you know what.  I sat there on that crunchy paper like a spectacle in my gown open on the front for all these professionals to poke at, and they did. Then they read my now HUGE file folder that will follow me everywhere I go. (Hey teachers, I call it my RTI tier 3 packet) Then they went over EVERYTHING.  This took 2 hours, no joke. 1 in 1,000 women get premature ovarian failure between ages of 20-29.  That means I am ACTUALLY .1%.  I gotta go buy a lottery ticket or something because clearly the odds are EVER in my FAVOR. In that .1% of women pof is almost always caused by either autoimmune diseases, toxins, chromosomal defects, hereditary, ovarian surgeries, and chemo radiation...