Refuge

This blog has been my place of refuge.
My place where I can break down yet still feel taller than the skyscrapers.
My place where I can be angry with the world, yet find peace.
My place where I can yell at the top of my lungs for the world to hear, yet whisper things I only want myself to know.

It’s the place where I’ve always been, 100% TRUE TO MYSELF.

What’s being true to myself even mean though?

It’s funny how life TRULY works.
We all get so caught up (I’m GUILTY AS CHARGED) in our lives “plan”.
We’ve got dream boards everywhere. We compare ourselves to our friend’s lives. We try to measure up to what our parents told us we should be. We find that quote on Pinterest and live roughly 7 hours positively till we see that person on Insta who’s killing the game of life. We remember all the peoples “well wishes” or “congratulations” when we hit milestones. We push ourselves forward with the condolences from loved ones during the rough patches.
We get angry and entitled when people or things don’t bend or break for us.

We get so CAUGHT UP in what the world has told us life will be.
Isn’t it the “little things” that actually end up controlling your life, controlling your moods, thoughts, and actions?

What about the big things?

I recently  heard this and it shook me to my core.
God is so powerful, so almighty, so BIG...that even the Devil himself has to go through him first....
Think about that.

So when the Devil said, “I’m going to give this girl a motherless life, anxiety tied with that, AND take her ability to be able to conceive children away”
God KNEW.
In fact....
( I wish he would have given me some sort of heads up so I didn’t crash and burn 5,691 times)
....He said BRING IT ON

I didn’t know what story was written for me when I was born on January 4th, 1991. I didn’t know the heartache, insecurities, and chaos that would come my way. But He did.

January 2017, I got a tattoo of a butterfly that represented this verse “Perhaps you were born for such a time as this” Esther 4:14. (See blog on that dark time here too!)

March 10th 2017 After months of what seemed like my life as I knew it was over I eventually was diagnosed with POF which meant that life I “dreamt of” or thought I was entitled too was not going to happen.

March 10th 2018 An exact year later(can’t make this stuff up😭)  two little girls had an official court order and all their belongings and moved in to our home...their home.

This blog used to be my place of refuge.
The place where I could be 100% myself.

I’ve got a new place where I can be me.
I’ve got a new place where I can be weak yet still seem strong.
I’ve got a new place where I can be so angry yet know there’s calmness waiting for me.
I’ve got a place where I can open up and be loved for all of me.
I’ve got a place where I was always meant to be.

And they call me MOM