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Refuge

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This blog has been my place of refuge. My place where I can break down yet still feel taller than the skyscrapers. My place where I can be angry with the world, yet find peace. My place where I can yell at the top of my lungs for the world to hear, yet whisper things I only want myself to know. It’s the place where I’ve always been, 100% TRUE TO MYSELF. What’s being true to myself even mean though? It’s funny how life TRULY works. We all get so caught up (I’m GUILTY AS CHARGED) in our lives “plan” . We’ve got dream boards everywhere . We compare ourselves to our friend’s lives . We try to measure up to what our parents told us we should be. We find that quote on Pinterest and live roughly 7 hours positively till we see that person on Insta who’s killing the game of life . We remember all the peoples “well wishes” or “congratulations” when we hit milestones . We push ourselves forward with the condolences from loved ones during the rough patches . We get angry and entit
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STRONG

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"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" That's what they all say right? "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" WRONG   Reality? You never know how WEAK you are until being strong is the choice you should have made. I could sit here and tell you all that I was strong when my hormones took over my body and made me crash. I could tell you that I was strong when I saw my friends families and my family growing and my own didn't. I could say that I was strong when my marriage started cracking under the pressure of infertility. I could even say that I was strong and met everyday with a brave face and a hopeful heart.... But then I'd be weak and a liar.  I was weak and hated my body every time I looked into the mirror thanks to my stupid hormones. I was weak and sobbed when I was surrounded by so many of my loved ones happiness. 
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It's the most wonderful time of the year

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hol·i·day ˈhäləˌdā noun noun: holiday ; plural noun: holidays   1. a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done All you hear is "it's the most wonderful time of the year". It's when adjectives such as festive, jolly, merry, and magical are used in every other sentence. Festivities are had from October till January 1st.  " a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done " " a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done " " a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done " " a day of festivity or recreation when no work is done  when one has to work to fake they’re not in pain " Holidays quickly become "Hell-idays" for people with pain. It's all about being cheerful and positive during the holidays... You want me to be cheerful about all the kids with my family and friends I see during the holidays? When instead I'm fearful that
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Burn baby burrrnn

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BURN BABY BURN 👿 & I'm not referring to that disco song everyone hears in their heads when they read that.... I'm talking actual fire, acid, poison, BURN. How would you describe the emotion anger?  If you know me, you know I'm WELL versed in all emotions. Some may even say I could write a dictionary with pages describing each emotion so explicitly that you'd feel every ounce of joy, every pang of sorrow, and every tremble of excitement. But one emotion I would struggle with describing would be... ANGER . But something weird happened to me this week. I felt it.  This acidic fire eating my insides. This molten filled, ground breaking, overflowing... ANGER . I couldn't even look at a baby picture of myself without hinging at my waist and balling up my fists. HOW DARE those doctors push my symptoms aside for months as stress. HOW DARE that pregnancy not bless me with a baby. HOW DARE my body not work right for the last 6 months I had left to try. H
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Let Down

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I failed today. Like complete epic failure . I couldn't even stay the whole church service.  I was 78 seconds away from a complete meltdown and tantrum of "heavenly" proportions and the last thing I wanted was people to see it. && I only had about 76 seconds to get to my car before it opened up. Ya'll ever been on the brink of a meltdown and don't even remember how you got home? That was me today.  I stumbled in my house eyes stinging and chin quivering then went for something I haven't touched since I was 8 weeks pregnant last year and still filled with hope, love, and excitement.... The "Baby Bear" onesie and the little bear cub shoes we bought.   The one thing we got to celebrate our growing bundle of joy.  It would have been the first of many. But it ended up being the only . Today I felt like nothing but a complete let down .  I'm supposed to be strong , positive , and a role model through this trial and t
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The best journey takes you HOME

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Words can't express how grateful, excited, and emotional we were getting these done by such a great friend. She poured her heart in soul in all our photos, and it showed! At one point she said "Ok let's get momma over here in front of the chair..." and for the first time ever I got excited hearing that word MOMMA . We are gonna be parents one day. Momma and Dadda . The best kind of journey takes you HOME.
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Not fair

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It's just  NOT FAIR. What we have to go through to become adoptive parents is just  NOT FAIR . That's what I kept telling myself. There's classes, background checks, home studies, screenings, play dates to see if the kids like you, counseling, support groups, meetings with lots of decisions, and the funniest bit of it all...court. For us to become parents we have to go through all that and never be able to "fall in love" till it's finalized. You're truly in a constant state of uncertainty about the one thing in life you should be most certain. & this state of uncertainty is nothing short of a weak captivity that you're constantly battling your heart and brain to STAY INSIDE OF though it's humanly almost.... impossible . You don't want to get your hopes up, but you want to go buy cute clothes and furniture like everyone else gets to do. You don't want to put all your eggs in this one basket, but you know it could be all you'
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